The Often-Overlooked Power of Self-Compassion & the Painful Paradox: It can be so hard to come by
alexei-marida
Maybe you know the pain of how our modern life can fragment us, split us into pieces, and separate us from our true Selves. So many things about our world fail to meet the deepest needs of our psyche: The need for a sense of real connection and belonging, the need to be able to make sense of how things work, the need to feel like our voices and our stories matter, the need to feel like we have a clear purpose, the need to feel like our life is manageable. Add to this the extra difficulties for someone who is highly sensitive and who gets easily over-stimulated and overwhelmed. Add any traumatic experiences that further overwhelmed us and shook us to the core.
Any combination of these many challenges can lead to addictions, self-sabotage, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, isolation, mysterious chronic illnesses, eating disorders – the list goes on. Me? I dealt with most of them, and then fell into an eating disorder that alienated me from my body and my sense of true Self, and changed the landscape of my body forever. But I’ve found my way back home to my Self and to my body, and I help others find their own unique ways home, too.
In my 20 years as a therapist, health/wellness coach, and seeker, what I’ve learned is that healing can’t untangle the deepest, messiest parts of us until we’ve started to tap into one fundamental thing - Self-compassion.
And I don’t mean we simply have to decide to start being kinder to ourselves. It’s not a matter of will. Here’s the paradox:
Self-compassion is crucial to real healing, but it can feel impossible to achieve.
For too many of us, our lives in today’s world erode our sense of worthiness and lovability. And then the strategies we adopt when seeking comfort (such as addictions or eating disorders) rupture our inner relationship with the true self so badly that it takes some time to repair the ties and rebuild self-trust. But eventually, this reconciliation can happen.
It will often be a slow, continual process where we make small shifts in how we talk to ourselves, how we listen to ourselves, and how we respond to our true needs. It’s a moment-by-moment-by-moment ever evolving relationship, and in the very beginning it might take some faith to believe we’re really going to find any lasting self-love.
We all know there are countless books and blogs and newsletters out there on every self-help topic imaginable. (I’ve read A LOT of them. And oh, the podcasts!) Most are full of very important gems of wisdom. But for those of us with the deepest wounds, we keep finding that no matter how right it all sounds, we just can’t integrate it, can’t put it into action...
Because self-compassion has to come first. And it’s HARD.
So if you’ve only felt worse when you’re told you need to have more self-compassion or self-love, you are not alone! If you sometimes feel like you’re just too broken for anything like that to work, you’re not alone.
My own sense of brokenness and fragility kept me stuck for a long time. When I tried to practice meditation or mindfulness, being present with myself and observing all my thoughts and feelings non-judgementally, I was often overcome by anxiety. It was all too much to simply observe with neutrality, because I had no real tools to comfort myself internally. Does this sound familiar?
The shifts came when, little by little, I was finally able to start to change my internal dialogue. I started to talk to myself the way I so deeply longed to be spoken to, with tenderness and kindness. I started to work on not berating myself for my imperfections. I started to work on forgiveness, and on allowing myself to feel what I was feeling and to need what I needed.
I know I’d heard about self-compassion many times before then, but it took a very long time to sink in. At first, I couldn’t even fathom what it might mean.
Things did not start to shift until I was able to cultivate a wise internal voice that kept saying, “You are not broken. Stuck, perhaps. Bruised and battered. Split into many pieces, which want different things and seem at constant war with each other. That may be true. And still, you are not broken. You are not the things that have happened to you. You are not the insults you fear people might think about you. You are not the mistakes that you’ve made. You are not the regrets, the failures, the loss, or the pain. There is a love inside you that can embrace all of those things. ‘Even this?!’ you ask. Yes, even that.”
No matter who you are, it’s a guarantee that at your core, there is a spark of love.
Call it what you will. I like “basic goodness” but it’s also your authentic Self, God, soul, spirit, Buddha nature, light, stardust, etc. It’s all the same thing, isn’t it? And we all have it, no matter what’s happened to us, and despite all the regrets we might carry.
It’s not about “falling in love with yourself” or banishing your inner critic. It’s much less dramatic than that. And yet, it is truly profound what kinds of transformation are possible when you’re able to stop living at odds with yourself. Every tiny moment in which, instead of self-criticism, you’re able to stay with yourself and offer a bit of kindness, is a major win. And no matter who you are, it is possible. In this blog I will share simple, practical tools that make it possible to live peacefully, even joyfully, with who you are. Don’t worry if none of the things you’ve tried before really worked! Here, we’ll break it all down into manageable pieces, and woven through every strategy is that golden thread of self-compassion.
So here’s a question to ask yourself: Last time I was really hurting, what message was I longing to hear, and what would that voice sound like? (a cheerleader, a grandmother, a close friend, a mentor…?)
